Warning: This piece is written with irony. If you were born without an irony gland, or had it removed, it is best you read no further. No animals were made into sausage and consumed during the writing of this piece.
©2011, UrbisMedia
A Press Release statement and performance piece on ethics, hypocrisy, and the boundaries of personal and professional life prepared by the Department of Public Relations and Moral Philosophy of Dragon City University*.
To be read by Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY)
OK, you have all had your drooling salacious moment and fun poking fun at my name. I guess I deserve much of that for being a dope and a wanker with social media. I’ll even go along and refer to myself as The Wiener, since you have made me a media star. And while you will no doubt continue to massage this exposition in every medium I want you to know that The Weiner stands firm (rim shot) in his resolve to remain an upstanding member (rim shot) of the U.S. House of Representatives—there is that enough penis jokes for you? Remember, I’m Jewish; we pretty much invented self-deprecating humor.
I’m making this public today because my constituents—those who elected me and still the majority of who want me to remain in office—want to know is The Weiner in, or is The Weiner out (rim shot).
First, I want to say that I should not have made that confessional press conference. My Dragon City Journal advisors have convinced me that I do not have to answer, or reply to truthfully, to questions that are inappropriate and, in consequence, those interrogators “forfeit their right not to be deceived” by asking them. Ask me questions about my public service, about my political values, legislation, or voting record and I feel ethically compelled to reply truthfully. But ask me about my personal life, who I have sex with, and what kind, and you do not deserve the truth because you do not have the right to ask. So hands off The Weiner’s private life. (rim shot, and take drink from bottled water)
There have been many calls for my resignation. I expected these calls from the hypocrites—the Republicans who remained silent when Senator Vitter consorted with prostitutes (breaking the law), when Sen. Ensign was banging his assistant and bribing her husband; when Sen. Craig was practicing his “wide stance” in airport restrooms . . . I could go on for a while . . . all physical interactions—gave no call for resignations. Indeed, they supported them. I expected as much from the likes of that scumbag Breitbart. But what hurts worse is the chorus from many of my fellow Democrats who are, with too few exceptions, the most cowardly collection of wimps in the history of public service.
So, for now, I plan to remain in office and continue the good public service my constituents elected me to do, not to be their pastor, rabbi, or model of personal decorum. Until you bring an indictment that I have committed a crime, or proof that I intended physical relationships with those with whom I corresponded on social media I will remain and answer further questions on this matter only from my wife.
Now, my DCJ associates are moving among you with bags of stones. I will now remove my shirt to expose the ripped pectorals you have all seen in the photos that I posted (felx pecs and triple rim shots). Please feel free to take a stone or two . . . . . . and examine your own conscience before you wind up to throw.
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© 2011, Dragon City Journal (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 6.13.2011)
*Get your degree online, at home, in your pajamas, while having sex, or while photos of your private parts are uploading, whatever, we don’t care (as long as you have the tuition).