©2008, UrbisMedia
When Hillary Clinton’s ad people came up with the now infamous “3AM Phone Call” to suggest that Barrak Obama would not be ready because if : “inexperience” to take a call about an imminent international crisis, the idea seemed to backfire. Maybe we were supposed to think that Hillary would be sleeping next to Bill, to whom she could hand the phone. Apparently, it didn’t work. So we have to imagine how the occupants of the current tickets would react to such a call.
Brrrrrrring! Brrrrrring!
Obama: Hey, whazzzup?
Putin: Mr. President we have a crisis that might create a nuclear confrontation between our countries because Boosh wasn’t looking into my soul when he put those missiles in Poland. Are you prepared to deal with it?
Obama: I can do it, Pooter, let’s get it on, man. You name the court and I’ll be there. We’ll settle this with a little “one on one,” winner’s outs, bro. OK? And look, the last time we played and I was draining 3-point jumpers on you from “downtown” and then I took you into the paint to finish you with a slam dunk? Well, you nearly broke my leg with judo stuff. That’s a two-point foul man. This is hoop, bro, street hoop, Chi-style, but that judo defense of yours does not go down in my hood, man. Ya know what I’m sayin’?
Putin: Da, da (I break both your legs this time, skinny man).
Brrrrrrring! Brrrrrring!
McCain: Hello. Hanoi Hil . . . I mean White House. Cindy, which house are we in; I can never seem to remem . . .?
Putin: Wake up old man! It’s Vladimir, Judo Champion of Russia. I’ve been up since five throwing KGB agents on their asses.
McCain: Wait a sec while I put in my hearing aid. What are you doing calling at this hour. I need my sleep so I can get up and govern this greatest country in the world.
Putin: Mr. President we have a crisis that might create a nuclear confrontation between our countries because Boosh wasn’t looking into my soul when he put those missiles in Poland. Are you prepared to deal with it?
McCain: Not really. It’s not easy being a “Maverick” you know. I can never remember what I am for or against. Cindy, am I for or against starting a nuclear war with Russia? No, no, that was torture; I’m for torture now. (Dumb, plastic surgery cow.) Love ya, babe.
Listen, Vladimir. Can you hold off on launching your missiles for a while. I’m having a cabinet prayer circle tomorrow led by Secretary of the Rapture, Reverend Dobson. We’ll pray on it and get back to you.
Putin: Da, da, Maverick. (Boy, the North Vietnamese really turned this guy’s brain to borscht. Our missiles should arrive there just in time for the prayer circle.)
Brrrrrrring! Brrrrrring!
Biden: Top ‘O the morning t’ya!
Putin: Vlad Putin here. Wow, you sound chipper, Joe.
Biden: Yeah, my first week as President and I’m takin’ the train into Washington as usual. I never expected that Barrak would resign and take that contract with the Chicago Bulls. They say he’s leading the league in assists and might get them into the playoffs even though he rap on him is that he doesn’t have much “experience.”
Putin: Da, I thought those broken legs would end his playing career.
Biden: What can I do for you, Vlad?
Putin: Mr. President we have a crisis that might create a nuclear confrontation between our countries because Boosh wasn’t looking into my soul when he put those missiles in Poland. Are you prepared to deal with it?
Biden: We don’t have to have any trouble between us, Vlad. Why don’tcha come over Sunday. We’re having a family gathering in Pennsylvania; just dinner with the kids. You can bring Medv . . .Myedv . . . Myeyudv . . . you know, what’s-his-name, the little President guy. Hey, Vlad, how about this one: A Russian walks into a bar with a mujahideen on his shoulder . . . the Russian orders a beer and the bartender says “what’s your friend having? The mujahideen says, “I’ll have a Stinger.” Hah! Just kidding, my friend.
Putin: Good one, Joe. Very funny. That’s like the one where Boosh walks into a bar with a Talban on his shoulder and the Taliban takes out an AK and blows his brains out.
Biden: Now, Vlad, let’s be nice.
Brrrrrrring! Brrrrrring!
Palin: Oh, my God, is it feeding time again. Who’s hungry now, Trig? Alg? Calc? (I gotta stop naming my children after mathematics.)
Putin: It’s Vladimir Putin, Prime Minister of Russia. We are sorry to hear about Mr. McCain. He was a true hero for men who have been shot down with our fine Soviet . . . I mean Russian, surface-to-air missiles while bombing a communist country that never attacked America. Who would have thought Maverick would be assassinated by his former North Vietnamese gay lover. Well, Mrs. President we have a crisis that might create a nuclear confrontation between our countries because Boosh wasn’t looking into my soul when he put those missiles in Poland. Are you prepared to deal with it.
Palin: Are you kidding me? I’ve got sore nipples from breastfeeding, two pregnant unmarried daughters, three sons named after math courses, I’m pregnant again, I can’t tell my own children from my grandchildren, my husband smells so much like fish that I feel like I’m making love to a halibut, and I need to stop eating mooseburgers with fries so I can lose ten pounds and win the Mrs. Wasilla Termite Queen Breeder Pageant. . . . Anyway, where’s Poland? (Hmmmm, Poland. Poland Palin. That has a nice ring to it; maybe I’ll name my next kid “Poland.”). By the way, shouldn’t I be talking to some little guy named Medv . . .Myedv . . . Myeyudv . . . you know.
Putin: You could just give is back Alaska and we can forget the whole thing?
Palin: No way, I still haven’t wiped out all the mooeses . . . meese? bears and wildelife preserves. Hold on a sec, I gotta switch Calc to the other boob. . . . You know I have to set an example for the country of my new policy to have all of America’s teenage girls get pregnant. Now that we’ve repealed Roe v. Wade we can out-breed those Muslims with their multiple wives. They’ll never be able to make us wear burhkas.
Putin: It’s brilliant, Madam President. But for now we have a crisis.
Palin: I have a thought, Mr. Putin, that I think will forge peace between out great nations. How about bridge, a bridge to “Somewhere.” It will be a bridge that will be a big barrel of pork for my home state, and it will go from Anchorage to . . . a . . . a . . . –wait, I’m looking at a map– toVladivastok! We’ll call it the “Bridge to Vlad”! You should like that, Vladimir.
Putin: Da, da. (I guess America has just switched boobs, too.) Dobroi Notsyi, Madame President.
Palin: Oh, I couldn’t do that Mr. Putin; I’m pregnant.
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©2008, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 9.4.2008)