©2006, UrbisMedia
Brrrrrring-brrrrring.
ID: C’est moi. Et toi?
DCJ: Hello, is this the ID? This is Ba Feng Gu of Dragon City Journal calling again. Remember our interview of a couple of weeks ago?
ID: No, sorry, I don’t. What was it about?
DCJ: You know, the things you design. You design everything, right?
[Hey, Jim, does this guy sound different to you; you know, the French, and a little . . . a . . . lispy, too?]
ID: Well, I’m thinking of specializing more these days. There’s so many different styles.
DCJ: Really? You design in different styles ?
ID: Of course, silly. I can do them all, but I’m trying to specialize in sort of a postmodern style. I’m really weary of that New Age look that so many clients seem to want. Boooooring! I think we need to evolve from that, to keep thinks looking ah . . . a fresh.
DCJ: Evolve, of course. Can you give us an example of what you mean? Like the way Darwin’s finches evolved? Have you been working on the different beaks for different functions?
ID: Never worked with bird beaks before, but maybe I’ll give it a try someday. No, I’m trying to evolve a style that uses a lot of indirect light.
DCJ: Why sure, like the way Einstein discovered how light bends and its speed as a constant in the universe. That was brilliant.
ID: Einstein? Oh, you must mean Sara Einstein of Einstein and Faub. She’s a competitor—quelle Bitch! No, these days I’m pushing a lot of wall sconces, especially in dining rooms where you can effect that very intimate dining feeling.
DCJ: But what about global warming, aren’t you going to do something about that? The fate of the entire planet hangs in the balance.
ID: I don’t know about global, but I very much like to have those warming racks for towels in the bathrooms I design. Oh, and while we’re in the poopatorium—don’tcha just love that?—I have to tell you that bidets are back, they’re going to be all the rage. Remember, you heard it here first.
DCJ: I’m writing it down (I just don’t know why). Look, I feel that we’ve drifted off a little bit here. We were going to open today’s interview with the question “why flatulence.”
ID: Well why not, sweetie. It can really liven up a party. I used it as a charades theme once, and it was hilarious. You know, with titles like Gone With the Wind and The Far Tortugas—clever elision, huh? I’ve even designed whoopee cushions into some of those period Louis XVI chairs. People are just too ashamed of bodily functions, don’tcha think?
DCJ: Well, there’s a time and a place for everything.
ID: Ain’t it the truth. Like I designed an entire sound system for my own condo so that you can choose your favorite Barbra Streisand or Michael Feinsten records from any room. I like to do things in different rooms, if you know what I mean. Hint, hint.
DCJ: No heavy metal music?
ID: Oh you naughty, naughty boy, you. Now you want to know what secrets I have for bedroom design, don’tcha? You’ll be surprised to know that I once designed a bedroom entirely in a dragon motif. Yes, I did. It was for this cute little Chinese guy who said he was born in the year of the dragon. He loved heavy meal music; it really brought out the dragon in him, if you know what I mean.
DCJ: We’re beginning to. Look here, just so this interview isn’t a complete waste, we’re wondering if you had any design modifications in mind for your creation that might result in something that really improves the human condition.
ID: Can you give me a little hint?
DCJ: Like world peace. Why don’t you design some world peace.
ID: Hmmmmm. A world piece. Tres Interesting. You mean like something that would sort of be big and round, in nice blues and greens, something to go on a coffee table, or maybe as an accent piece in a hallway?
DCJ: No, you twit! Like p-e-a-c-e; love, harmony, no violence!
ID: Ohhhh, that! Why sure. I think we need to design a big parade. We can all get into drag—and don’t come as Judy Garland, she’s my specialty—and we can sing show tunes and shake our booties . . .
DCJ: For a reputedly “Intelligent Designer” you aren’t sounding very intelligent today.
ID: Moi, the Intelligent Designer. Silly! I’m pretty good at Trivial Pursuit, especially on show tunes, but I’m no genius. I only do interiors, Silly! Call me when your ready to change your color scheme.
DCJ: We like red and yellow. But now we’re not so sure about our dragon motif.
ID: Toodles.
[Jim, Sorry. He was right below “Intelligent Designer” in the Yellow Pages, Ba]*
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©2006, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 9.14.2006)
* Dragon City Journal wishes to apologize for any unintended offense that might have been given to members of the American Association of Interior Designers and Judy Garland Impersonators by this interview, and we are returning the remains of your “gift” of the French brocade loveseat with the improvised explosive device.