Iraq deployed US 82nd Armored Division in a collective weep-in
It has lately come to the attention of DCJournal that Iraq “Insurgents” have hacked into the computers of US soldiers and installed a virus that defaults their web browsers to Dragon City Journal . Bush administration authorities report that some of the things that have been said in DCJournal pages about the American Military’s Commander-in-Chief and his war, have “saddened the troops” and given “aid and comfort to the enemy.” DCJournal’s staff of writers and graphic artists is greatly disturbed (don’t stop at greatly disturbed, keep reading) to learn of this. So there are some things DCJournal wishes to go on record to set things straight.
We have checked with the Pentagon and it seems that the entire 82 nd Armored Division was sobbing their hearts out at some things we said about George Bush being “an inarticulate idiot.” We are not sure that the reason for their lacrimations is not attributable to the fact that they have learned from DCJournal they might lose their lives because their Commander-in-Chief actually is an inarticulate idiot, or because DCJournal said it. If they did know it already, we apologize for reminding them. To each and every soldier DCJournal wishes to say that we really feel that you would start to feel happy again if they would just stop crying and come home. At least give it a try.
We also apologize for the 2 nd Infantry Battalion being placed on anti-depressant drugs because of remarks we have made about Donald Rumsfeld having “horseshit for brains” (but at least we restrained ourselves about what comes out of his mouth). We probably were mistaken in that your depression might have come from having your tours extended, your benefits cut, and having to fight without flack vests and proper armor. DCJournal will take the blame for you depression, but refuses to pay for the anti-depressants as long as they are part of Mr. Bush’s Big Pharm Prescription plan. We think you’ll feel better the sooner you get home. How about tomorrow.
And while we’re at it, we need to deal with the “aid and comfort to the enemy” thing. Yes, we admit to it; we have given the appropriate enemy “aid and comfort.” First of all, “the aid”; we admit that we did send some aid to Al Qaeda. Actually, we came buy an unused supply of the Kool Aid that the Rev. Jim Jones once distributed to his congregation. DCJournal shipped this concoction to AQ to cool their parched throats from sitting in those mountain caves so long.
We also confess to providing “comfort” to Osama bin Laden. DCJournal learned some time ago that Osama suffers from painful hemorrhoids (too much squatting on cold rocks in mountain caves), and so we thought it the humanitarian thing to do to send him some soothing suppositories with a note in Arabic about how to “shove” (Arabic has no equivalent word for “insert”) them. But we hasten to add that DCJournal did not indicate that the suppositories do not have FDA approval because medical trials have shown that they can cause a fatal case of nine days of projectile diarrhea (higher incidence is tall terrorists). We find that image very “comforting.”
This concludes our current apologies to those whom we have been told we have offended. If you approve of Bush’s war and have not been offended by anything DCJournal has written or graphically depicted please try to be more sensitive because being inoffensive “saddens” us. If that does not give you “aid and comfort” we still have some of those suppositories.
With all due respect,
The DCJ staff
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
This, just in: A photo of Osama bin Laden’s private out-house in the Afgahn mountains. Reports are that bin Laden entered eleven days ago and has not emerged. Al Qaeda body guards would only say “Phew” (same in Arabic as in English) when Dragon City Journalcorrespondent, Ba Feng Gu, inquired about the terrorist’s intestinal distress.
___________________________________
©2006, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 2.20.2006)