Dr. Strangelove ©1964 Hawk Films Graphic: ©2004 UrbisMedia
A.N.G.S.T, The Air National Guard Spooks for Truth, issued a report today to counter the charges that George W. Bush was a coward who had his father get him bumped up in line to get in the Air National Guard and avoid service in Viet Nam. General Jack D. Ripper (USAF, Ret.), took leave as CEO of a successful bottled water company in Alabama to head up A.N.G.S.T. and act as its spokesman. Ripper said to an assemblage of reporters that the reason that Mr. Bush’s records are spotty on his attendance at Guard duties is that his activities were classified as Top Secret. Ripper was in charge of the base at the time in which Mr. Bush served.
The general opened by saying that George W. Bush was one of the “unsung heroes” of the Vietnam War. “We were fighting the Viet Nam war with the wrong tactics, “ Ripper, who is noted for his outspokenness and irascible demeanor, said to a startled press corps, breathlessly waiting to ask inane softball questions. When asked what he meant by wrong tactics Ripper said that some commanders in Vietnam were putting our troops on Swift Boats and having them go up rivers where the enemy VC could shoot at them. “Our guys could get shot up or killed,“ Ripper responded, “is that any way to fight a war?”
Ripper went on to say that the real war, a secret war, “the most dangerous war, “was being fought right here in Alabama, “A war against the Viet Cong’s campaign to poison our bodily fluids! That’s the war that Airman Bush fought, while fools were aiming their Swift Boats right at the VC and shooting them and getting shot themselves!”
“That must have been a very perilous assignment for Airman Bush?” asked Mr. Novak, a reporter who had just won a Pukeitzer Prize for exposing fourteen CIA undercover agents.
“So dangerous that only now can I tell you anything about it,” Ripper said. “Airman Bush was undercover all those twelve months when nothing – and I mean nothing – shows up in his record. He was undercover as Col. Mandrake, a British officer, attached to me. And by the way, he does one hell of a British accent if I say so myself. We had to watch what we were drinking all the time to protect our precious bodily fluids. Airman Bush suggested that we restrict ourselves only to beverages with a high alcoholic content in order to ward off any poisons.”
Columnist Toady Brooks interjected: “Sir, could you elaborate a little, without compromising the safety of your current Commander-in-Chief, of course?”
“I’ll tell you what is necessary to protect the sullied reputation our CIC, and our precious bodily fluids, and nothing more. And don’t interrupt me again, you wimpy balding bag of pus, or I’ll come down there a tear you a new one.” The general chomped down harder on his cigar and continued: “I assigned Airman Bush-Mandrake to General Buck Turgidson, who was coordinating an operation that was masked as a political campaign. Bush-Mandrake was to work with the politician’s to see if poisons had been injected into the glue on stamps and envelopes. Of course, he was undercover and had to do a lot of licking. You can imagine how dangerous that was, so he had to do a lot of drinking of alcoholic beverages afterward.”
A hand went up from best-selling polemicist Ann Coldsore. Flipping her signature blond tresses she inquired, “General, why do those treasonous Democrats keep saying that Mr. Bush did not practice flying his airplane?”
For a moment Ripper warmed up. “That’s a good question, Ann,” he said in an almost intimate manner. “By the way, I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you when you are not wearing anything but a bag over your head. Anyway, it’s an easy answer: would you fly with a pilot who’s been drinking that much?”
“But those dirty, stinking, rotten Democrats keep saying that our president only showed up at the base to get some dental work,” Ann insisted, more interested in her polemic than the question, as was her habit.
Ripper smiled his sinister smile. “Oh that. That was to install the transmitter in one of his molars in case we needed to trace him to whatever bar he was at. Unfortunately it permanently affected his speech and he speaks only in iambic dimeter and screws up any word over one syllable. The man has given so much for his country. OK, last question,” Ripper said imperiously.
A New York Times reporter in the rear shouted, “General, does A.N.G.S.T have any knowledge of the reason Mr. Bush, excuse me, Mr. Bush-Mandrake, did not show up for his require physical when he was in the Air National Guard?”
Ripper chomped down on his cigar. “We saw no reason to require Bush-Mandrake to come in and blow his cover just to have some medical officer grab his, ahem, testicles and have him cough. Does that answer your question, Mr. New York Times reporter?”
“It does indeed, sir,” the reporter shouted back. “Such a diagnostic procedure would not have discovered anything at all.”
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©2004, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 8.22.2004)