Segment of the flag of the Abu Ghraib Brigade ©2004 UrbisMedia
The venerable American flag was flown and festooned from everything (but mostly SUVs) in the aftermath of 9-11. One felt almost like a terrorist not to have a flag on one’s person: a lapel pin, tie, scarf, headband, T-shirt, whatever, or one or more flying from your car, or the more lofty SUV or Hummer. Stars and stripes were everywhere and the country looked like one huge automobile dealership. It was the bravest and most patriotic thing people could do, along with heeding the President’s urging that they go out and shop (presumably for more flags) to show those terrorists we won’t have our way of life taken from us.
That outpouring of patriotism having abated, and the tattered and soiled flags on SUVs far fewer and rather forlorn, now most of the images of flags are of them being burned in the streets and protests of those countries that displayed them with true affection in the aftermath of 9-11. That was when even the French flew them declared that “we are all American’s” or New Yorkers. All of that is gone in the aftermath of George’s Magnificent Iraq Adventure.
When it was popular to fly the flag proudly flag making and selling were pretty good businesses. The demand was so high that some production had to be “outsourced” to foreign companies. But what about all that potential foreign business, where the flag is primarily these days an object of protest and anti-American (or at least administration) sentiment? There are some bucks to be made there for the clever businessman. So I am calling your attention to Flamway Corporation, which will soon have an IPO so that those of you who are looking for a sure thing investment opportunity can have a participation in an All-American business and have some financial security after Bush pillages Social Security and reduces Medicare to box of Band-Aids and a bottle of aspirin.
Dear Anti-American Demonstrator:
The enclosed brochure will introduce you to a new line of products from American Flammable Flag, Inc., a division of Flamway Enterprises of Phoenix, Arizona. All of our flags have been pre-tested in our laboratories and are designed for safe and enjoyable combustion at home or in public.
You will note that our brochure features our top model, Old Glory No. 1776 . Old Glory is 6 feet by 8 feet, pre-soaked in napalm and has our patented own sewn-in igniter. No fumbling around for matches while the press is waiting to take your picture. Demonstrators at several of our embassies abroad have found this model to burn reliably and evenly, without those sudden bursts that scorch fingers and singe eyebrows. It’s the latest in high-tech pyro-protest equipment.
Perhaps your needs would be better served by our ‘Dawn’s Early Light’ , the hand-held, 10″ by 12″ model, which can be purchased in lots of 100. With a little coordination these can produce a dramatic effect for evening demonstrations and protests. Or, just keep a few handy around the house for parties or those occasions of personal grievance against the government. Light up a couple when you file your tax return, for example.
For the thrifty protestor the ‘Betsy Ross’ is a real bargain. It’s our asbestos, re-usable model; soaked in kerosene it burns like the real thing, but can be re-used for dozens of demonstrations. And if you prefer, a humorous touch the ‘Molly Pritchard’ is just the thing. When a patriotic counter-demonstrator tries to stomp out the flames on this baby the impregnated glue makes sure he ends up with a real hotfoot. It’s as much fun as our exploding lapel flag pins.
And if you are inclined to really make a statement we have our “O say can you see ” model for self-immolators. Wrap this baby around you like a Buddhist monk, strike a match, and “Zen” them a message they won’t (and you won’t) soon forget.
Now that you have an idea of the latest in high-tech flammable flags be sure to visit www.flamway.com for more American Flammable Flag products to suit all of your protesting needs. And keep in mind that all our carry our unconditional guarantee: if you are unsatisfied, just return the un-burnt portion of the flag with a self-addressed envelope and feel free to hold our sales representative hostage until you receive your refund.
American Flammable Flag is committed to your anti-American protest enjoyment. Remember, our president is committed to giving you more reasons to want to burn an American flag. So we’re committed to our motto: Make a statement, make a revolution, make an American unprincipled capitalist rich.
Yours truly,
Newt Suggs, CEO
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©2004, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 5.20.2004)