He passed, und proud of it. Ya
Programming on NPR today quite understandably included segments related to the celebration of our independence. There were views of politicians and soldiers from Iraq, coverage of Bush’s message, etc. One piece, however, caught my ear—the test that newly naturalized citizens must take before being granted citizenship and immediately being approached my an Army recruiter.
There are apparently 100 questions on the test and, being a citizen by birth, I have never had to take it. But I was under the impression that it had questions on it like “How does a bill become a law?” “Who is fourth in succession for the presidency?” and “How many toilets are there on Air Force One?” I thought it would be a pretty tough test; one designed to filter out people with trick questions like “How high was the fence you climbed over at the border?”
But no, the questions were real “gimmies” like: Who was the first president of the United States?” What are the 49 th and 50 th states to join the union?” “What do the stripes represent on the flag?” and “What is the fourth of July?” “Who was Abraham Lincoln?” On this last one there are supposedly six acceptable answers. Six! I thought he was Abraham Lincoln, 16 th president of the country. I would assume that “he is the drummer for The Rolling Stones” is wrong, as would be “he was the first Jewish president,” (Hmmmm, I dunno, he looked a little Jewish, don’t you think?) and “he was the man who designed the Lincoln automobile.” But what do I know? I was just born here and didn’t have to study for this test, which apparently is just an exercise in rote memory designed to filter out people with Alzheimer’s.
Yet five to ten percent of those who take it fail; that’s more than the failure rate used to be for guys named Mohammed taking a test for a pilot’s license. Still, more than 15,000 people will become Americans today and some of them might end up teaching Political Science in a university your kid goes to.
I’m not kidding; here’s the link. C’mon guys, Osama bin Dumbkoff could pass this test.
So, I’m proposing some new questions for the test. One’s that get at whether people understand what America is really about. How would you do?
1.What is the “nukular option”?
a. how George Bush pronounces “nuclear option.”
b. one decision we might take to use our WMD to kill more Iraqis
c. a underhanded change by Republicans in the rules of the Senate confirmation process
2. How many Iraqis were on the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center?
a. five
b. nine
c. those A-raabs all look the same to me (if you chose this answer go directly to question No.8)
3. What do we mean by “Social Security” in America?
a. they give you some numbers and a little card
b. what makes you think we really mean Social Security
c. first you gotta get rich. A good way is to become a CEO of a large corporation (energy is a good business) and then cook the books a little, get the workers to put their pensions where you can get your grubbies on the money, set up a great “golden parachute” in case things start to go awry, and oh, don’t forget to collect your nice little rich guy George Bush tax cut before you leave.
4.Where are Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction hidden?
a. in Hans Blix’s garage
b. have we done a body cavity search on Saddam?
c. it doesn’t matter, the rationale has been changed to regime change, stupid
5. How big is the American’s government’s deficit?
a. bigger than a bread box
b. about this big (use fingers to indicate)
c. bigger than it ever was and getting bigger every . . . (see, there it goes again)
6. What is “No Child Left Behind?”
a. a program to put better rear view mirrors on school buses
b. George Bush’s excuse for sitting on his dumb ass in a kindergarten classroom for several minutes after he was told a second plane had crashed into the WTC
c. when you say, “Hey, honey, you seen Billy Bob, he was out play’n outside a few minutes ago and we gotta get to the monster truck ralley . . .”
7. What is the “Patriot Act”?
a. something like the Bill of Rights, without the rights.
b. another name for the Super Bowl
c. it’s sorta like when you act like you wanna make people believe that you’re a real American, not one of those liberal kinds of people who don’t go to NASCAR races, and you put lots a flags on your pick-up or SUV, and those “Support the Troops” ribbon stickers on yer car (next to the little fish thingy that means Jesus liked to eat fish), and you act real proud to support our president, you know, sorta like that.
8.OK, how many Iraqis does George Bush want you to believe crashed into the World
Trade Center?
a. all of them were Iraqis
b. they were Iraqis impersonating Saudis
c. actually, one of them had a mother who was herself half Iraqi on her father’s side (so we are going to declare war on Iraq and kill that whole family and the surrounding village and make America safe and secure and bring peace and democracy to the Middle East, and get gas down below two bucks so we can drive our Hummers and take up two parking spaces in front of Wal Mart and, hey, you want to be an American suckah? well, you pick this answer and get your ass down to the Army recruitment office. NOW!)
9. Should America allow same-sex marriages?
a. well maybe some of them will work out; the different sex ones don’t
b. no, the next thing those liberals will want in inter-species marriages
c. is that a proposal? You’re kinda cute.
10.Which of the following forms of transportation has wings?
a. an automobile
b. a ship
c. a tay- yaa -ra
[Hah! You answered “c,” didn’t you. A tay- yaa -ra is Arabic for “airplane.” Gotcha Muhammad! You’re next tay- yaa -ra ride is going to be to Guantanamo, you terrorist!
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©2005, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 7.4.2005)