© 2007, UrbisMedia
What!? They plan to sculpt the face of Moqtada al Sadr into Mt. Rushmore!?
We have heard George Bush say it many times: we must defeat the insrugents and Al Qaeda because “they hate our freedom.” Sure, of course, we don’t know what the hell that means, and neither does Bush, but it scares the hell out of blue-haired Republican committee-women. It is a statement that usually goes before “we must defeat them in the streets of Fallujah or we will end up fighting them in the streets of Boise.” This really scares the crap out of red state cretins, especially when Cheney adds in that “the women of America will be forced to and wear burkas.” [1]
Like you, I have regarded these as just more of the ravings of morons who couldn’t even attack the right country after 9-11. Propagandistic fear-mongering, so that huge chunks of those war appropriations could end up in the accounts of KBR and Halliburton, so that nice, profitable deals could be made with a puppet Iraqi government to suck oil out of their ground at cheap prices right into the Hummers of right-wing evangelists who like to go deer-huntin’ with Jesus and have secret fantasies about Ann Coulter (yuk!).
But my Republican friends said that was just my liberal-commie-pinko-atheist values getting in the way of my seeing the truth of Bush’s new book of Revelations. But what if they have stumbled on the truth (it could only be by accident)? What if the insurgents have a plan that is even more subtle than the memo that Condi couldn’t figure out that said “Terrorists are going to attack America”? What if?
Here’s how Operation Hate Their Freedom Works would work:
First. Democrats demand that the war in Iraq be ended and the troops brought home immediately.
Second. This demoralizes the American forces and gives the insurgents strength and resolve.
Third. The insurgents therefore win the war in Iraq, as predicted. Because we did not win in the streets of Baghdad we must now fight them in the streets of American cities because, as you well know, “they hate our freedom.” But Al Qaeda knows that Americans are very well armed because the Republicans have blocked every attempt to restrict sales of arms to the general public.
Fourth. So they send the shock troops—the fearsome Al Quaeda gay, lesbian and transgender marital shock brigades. Rather than fighting Americans in their streets these troops marry each other in our streets, thereby cruelly undermining and destroying that most sacred of American institutions—heterosexual marriage—just as Republicans said would happen homosexuals married.
Fifth. The effects are disastrous. Christian women began wearing burkas and sneaking off for abortions because their husbands, particularly husbands who were Republican congressmen, began having perverse affairs with Congressional page boys. Republican Senators are found cruising for gay sex in airport men’s rooms all over the country. [2]
Homeland Security closes all airports men’s rooms in the country, which was particularly bad for older Senators [3] who have to pee a lot. [4]
Sixth. Al Qaeda will then capture and hold all of the hill-tops in America [5] because it is from these hills that Christians (who have taken Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior) will be taken up into heaven at the time of the Rapture. Unable to get to their hill-tops the Christians will be forced to convert to Islam, eat falafel, memorize the Koran, and follow the Prophet (peace be upon him). [6]
This is how the great apocalypse will come to pass. Now you know how these clever insurgents will defeat richest, most powerful nation in the world with a moron for a president. There really is no need for weapons of mass destruction. Let’s face it, they used our lack of attention to security, the stupidity of Condi Rice and others in the Bush administration, and a few of our own airplanes, to terrorize us into giving carte blanche authority to a moron to attack the wrong country, run up our debt so that we are owned by the Chinese and Japanese, and ruin our military and our international reputation.
But now they are proving even more clever than that—they have studied us well and know our weaknesses. They really don’t “hate our freedom” because they can’t figure out what the hell that phrase means either. But they are smart enough to know that we have people dumb enough to believe it—and that means a strategy can be fashioned to uses it against ourselves. They know that we claim to value freedom, but that freedom doesn’t extend to gays, lesbians, and transgender persons who want the same rights, including to marry. They know that we have Americans who are so stupid that they believe that their marriages are actually threatened if gays are allowed to marry. [7] They know that there are too many of us Americans who believe that the insurgents really do want to force us all to convert to Islam and make even our skinny women wear burkas .
And because they have been to our airports they know where our Republican Senators hang out. (Craig probably hit on one of them.)
Up to now, they did not have this last piece of their strategy. But now they know how to destroy (what’s left of) Congress, which a lot of Right wingers hate even more than they hate the UN, and who would rather have a God-anointed imbecile or a washed-up actor with the power to sell weapons to our enemies and tap our phones of we complain about.
In other words, our enemies don’t have to bother hating our freedom to defeat us— because we do .
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©2007, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 9.3.2007)
[1] Well, it could be a fashionable answer to obese women wearing bare midriff outfits.
[2] This will be blamed on a gay Islamo-Facist Hairdresser who gave John Edwards and $400 haircut.
[3] Not many people are that the title Senator derives from the Latin senex, meaning, senior, or old man.
[4] Chertoff announces that men may use those bottles that they have been taking away from passengers.
[5] Finally, we might get that monstrous whit cross removed from the publicly-owned Mt. Soledad, in San Diego. Cf. DCJ Archives No. 24. 6: The Blancocruxians 9.16.2005.
[6] On the up-side, guys, you will be able to have ore than one wife—that’s up to four of the opposite sex (the number same sex wives is still hung up in debate over which wives would inherit the Barbra Steisand albums).
[7] These are usually people who have been divorced a few times, abuse substances and beat their children, so they need some interior decorator to blame it on.