Note: I have been beseiged by political robo-calls and solicitations of late. So I dug up this piece from a few years ago for myself and fellow sufferers. The following may be unsuitable for young children and adults with no sense of irony whatsoever. That is, what may be regarded as “politically incorrect” is intended as a put down of both social stereotypes and political correctness. Just dial 1 800 DRAGONS.
Hi, you’ve reached Dragon City Journal. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone and wish to continue in English please press 1. (If you are calling from a rotary phone just hold on to it, it’ll be worth something on eBay someday)
If you wish to continue in Spanish you probably don’t understand this instruction, so we’re hoping you will just hang up because we don’t speak or understand Spanish anyway. However, if you do understand, and have a Green Card, please press 2 to pick fruit, press 3 for vegetables. If you are undocumented I would get the hell off this line right now; it’s like a party line for INS, TSA, CIA, FBI, and NRA. Oh, and if it’s you, Ramon, one more time—do not use the leaf blower before 9AM. Remember, all those American Minutemen standing guarding the border want your sixty-five cents an hour job.
If you wish to continue in Urdu, or High German, please press 5 (these languages sound pretty much the same to us).
If you wish to continue in Afrikaans or Canadian English, please press 6 and speak the utterance “eh” after each sentence.
If you wish to continue in Chinese please press 7 for Cantonese and then place your take out order by pressing the number next to the item, followed by the pound key. But we’re out of the vegetarian egg rolls. If you wish to continue in Mandarin Chinese, press 8, and since you are calling the People’s Republic of China, your call will be recorded for a lot more than quality assurance purposes.
Please listen carefully to our automated menu items because they have changed recently, and are being changed at this very moment.
If you are calling from a cell phone with the “Hello Kitty” ring tone please hang up and don’t call back until you grow up.
If you are shouting into your cell phone while at a restaurant or movie theatre please hang up and call 911 because you will probably need a licensed medical person to remove your cell phone from your rectum.
If you think you know your party’s extension forget about it as this will only get you a message that they are “away from their desk” (not really, their mouth is just full of food), or “on another line” (usually their personal cell phone).
If that’s you, Mom, I tried calling you three times this week, honest. If you’d get a damn answering machine you would know that. And as far as that last message you left on my answering machine, I am not your “evil son and you wish you had never gone through the pain of childbirth to bring a hurtful child like me into the world,” and if you leave all your “good son,” God will punish you.
If you are calling to solicit a contribution for the Fire Department’s annual “Clowns with hoses and ladders parade for depressed kids with terminally-ill pet turtles” please know that this year we are contributing to the Police Department’s “Protect and Serve Handcuffed Ballroom Dancing Competition.” By the way, we will not be contributing to The Gay, Lesbian and Trans-gender Police, Fire and Emergency Heroes of 9-11 this year until you people learn to stop marrying each other in the streets in front of TV cameras just before a presidential election.
If you are calling our Phone Sex Department please press 7 for: “Ohhh, yesss! YESS! Ohh, my God, Oh, yesss, don’t stop! DON’T STOP!” (An actual recording of the voice of the secretary of Dragon City Journal, Miss Lewinsky)
If you are calling our Catholic Guilt About Phone Sex Department please press 8 for: “You’ll burn in hell for this you filthy wanker!” (An actual recording of the voice of Pope Benedict XVI—which is why wanker is pronounced “vanker”)
If you are calling from the National Bank of Nigeria, about the $25 million you were going to put in our account if we gave you our bank account number and social security number, we forget to give you our PIN. It is CKUF UYO. It’s an encrypted anagram, but we think you can figure it out.
If you are calling to order an item from the Dragon City Journal Memorbilia and Gift Catalog please note that our plastic red and yellow “ribbons” for the back of your car announcing to the world that you oppose the People’s Republic of China holding thousands of dragons in secret prisons; they are currently sold out. You may however stilln order the “Screw the Pandas / Save the Dragons” bumper sticker.
If you wish to hear these menu items repeated please press the star key, and get a life. Thank you for calling Dragon City Journal. Press “0” or stay on the line if you wish to speak to the operator . . . .
. . . .“Oh, yesssss, YESSSS, Oh, God! Oh, ah Hello, You’ve reached the offices of Dragon City Journal. My Name is Monica. How may I direct your call . . . . ?”
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© 2006, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 6.24.2012)