Essays & Images on Cities, Travel and Contemporary Culture. A web journal of James A. Clapp, Ph.D., an UrbisMedia Ltd. Production

Vol.26.5: THE KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD SCIENCE NEWS

Students from science teacher Evangeline Suggs’ class were given the assignment of going out and finding the best examples of the Lord’s “Intelligent Design.”   The top three examples were:

V026-05_AK-47V026-05_jesustruckWV026-05_BeerCanThe Kansas City School Board has endorsed the petition of Flat Earth Society to have their theory given equal consideration as prevailing “round earth” theories in school books.”   Students will be taught that California and New York are ”off the edge” and junior year school trips will no longer go to these states.    Angry parents, who have waited years to be rid of their kids for a couple of weeks were assuaged when the Board told them that children who are in those states will “not be taken up by the Rapture when they are there.”

 

Kansas School Board met out of doors last Tuesday where its president pointed skyward and said that “anyone could see that it looks likes the sun revolves around the earth.”   Schoolbooks will be changed accordingly to give equal weight to a terracentric universe theory.   Board member Purvis Naskar said he couldn’t believe why anyone ever believed “a dangfool theory by some crazy old Italian guy who dropped his balls offa a leanin’ tara of pizza!”    

 

The School Board voted unanimously to declare that it is accepting research done by Rev. Jedadiah Suggs of Bob Jones University that microscopic evidence proves that germs look too much like evil spirits to be ignored in textbooks.   The Rev. showed the Board pictures from his microscope that looked like this.

V026-05_devil-germsWRev. Suggs said that sick children no longer need to be sent to the school nurse, when any “saved” teacher can cure the child with a sharp slap on the child’s forehead and a shout of “Praise Jesus!”   “Under ultraviolet light the little devils can be seen fleeing the room,” Rev. Suggs added.

 

Kansas School Board declared that new proof that dinosaurs lived as recently as 5,000 years ago and were killed off by the army of the lost tribe of Israel that was led by the Angel Moroni. The new theory was advanced by Paleontologist Methusaleh Suggs, of Liberty University, who also maintained that “there never existed any dinosaurs that were larger than three feet high.”   Prof. Suggs says he can prove that the giant bones that have been unearthed have been swelled by the many years of water that has seeped through the soil.   The Prof. maintains that the dinosaurs had to be killed by the Angel’s legions “because they were attacking and eating too many buffalos.” [1]

 

Beginning next school year Kansas school children will be taught sex education, but pictures or representations of human genitalia will not be allowed to be shown.   Human reproductive organs, said School Board member Hortense Suggs, may be only referred too as a “man thingy” and “woman thingy.” However, Mrs. Suggs, who had to leave the meeting early to birth her 17 th child, was unsuccessful in getting her proposal that sex ed curriculum teach that homosexuals are the product of people using their “man thingies and woman thingies out of wedlock.”   The text will continue to teach that homosexuals are the offspring of shepherds who could not channel their long nights of loneliness into prayer.  

 

A Kansas City parent is suing to have high school textbooks changed.   Clarence Suggs, owner of Suggs Savings and Loan and Car Wash, has filed a claim that school officials have doctored photos of clouds in school science textbooks to look like face of Jesus.   Suggs told news reporters that   “Anyone can go outside and see that clouds look like the face of Elvis.”

 

The Rev. Billy Sunday High School “Judean Anglers” took this year’s football championship from Falwell High’s “Fighting Pharasees” by a score of 28 – 23.   Angler Coach Caleb Suggs said Jesus had appeared him the night before and told him that “on a third and three in the red zone the Messiah said I should send in the play:   ‘Ark of Covenant Right – split left – blue – zag – on halleluelia’.”   The Anglers are the first team to win the championship since the Kansas School Board required all schools sports to adopt Biblical team names.

 

Hortense Suggs, was elected president of the Kansas School Board yesterday.   Visibly pregnant with her 18 th child Mrs. Suggs announced that her priority this year will be to get the section on Homo Erectus removed from science textbooks.   “Aroused sodomites belong in their gay bars, not in our textbooks!” thundered the new president.

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©2005, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 11.16.2005)

[1] The buffalo is the official state animal of Kansas.   The state flower is the sunflower,   The state song is “Home on the Range”.   The official state kitchen appliance is the blender. The official state dog is named “Toto.”    The state god is The Christ.

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