I love a smile from a pretty girl even if it stirs more reminiscence than romantic notion these days. A young woman in the prime of her beauty can almost make a guy believe in God. But why a septuagenarian atheist is receiving overtures for blessed romance from lovely pious foreign “maidens” posits a match that could only be made in cyberspace. Yet, Cyber Cupid’s arrows have found me its St Sebastian.
Sebastian. That just might be the clue. Several emails remark that they came upon me in the Nancy Kwan website, where my book, For Goodness Sake, A Novel of the Afterlife of Suzie Wong is mentioned and about which Ms Kwan has had very nice things to say. Perhaps they mistake for a rich novelist. Or, maybe they think I am the romantic lead in my own fiction. Does it matter? I am so flattered and excited that I simply must share their amorous missives with you.
Below are just as sampling of my still growing collection of invitations to the world of cyberlove. They contain my own comments, none of them unkindly meant, and certainly not in disrespect that their authors are, most of them, not writing in their mother tongue. So if you were deprived of an irony gene read no further.
But before I do that I want to add one thing. I am deeply concerned about the treatment of women, especially in the second and third worlds. Female slavery, forced marriages and abductions and even sale of young girls, honor killings and maiming, and that old favorite weapon of war, rape, are all to commonplace and not in decline. Many young women, out of hope or desperation put themselves at risk with missives such as those below because there are abusive men lurking out there. Some, it must be admitted are simply golddiggers. So I am playful with their entreaties and their linguistic awkwardness because they have no way of knowing just how safe they are with me. I have redacted their email addresses for their protection.
Here is a selection:
My name is miss hellen, I am a single girl looking for someone who can shear good relationship with me [well, I’ve sheared a couple of good relationships] who understand love as trust and caring not taking it as ways of fun always [oh, sure, take the fun out of it] but a matured person with good sense of hornour [OK, I think I can do honorable horniness] after reading little about you i derive my interest on you, please write me on this address i will be waiting for your reply so i tell you more about me and send my pictures to you. i got your contact after my prayers so i believe the direction of God [Wow! I am finally an answer to a girl’s prayers. Better not send my picture.]
sending kisses with love
hellen [Can she launch a thousand ships?]
How are you? [Compared to what?]
i hope all is well with you, i hope you may not know me [then why are you writing?], and i don’t know who you are, My Name is Miss Jane, i am just broswing now i just saw your profil here(www.nancy-kwan.com)it seams like some thing touches me all over my body, i started having some feelings in me which i have never experience in me before, [Things are warming up over here, too] so i became interested in you, l will also like to know you the more, and l want you to send an email so l can give you my picture for you to know whom l am. I believe we can move from here [That depends on where “here” is]
I am waiting for your mail to my email address (Remeber the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alot in life)
HELLO DEAR NICE MEETING,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY COUPLED WITH YOUR WORK? [Only if I am a porn star] I HOPE FINE MY NAME IS MISS kadiga , I AM A NICE DECENT GIRL LOOKING FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, i WILL BE HAPPY IF YOU CAN HAVE THE SAME DESIRE WITH ME [That depends on some details], PLEASE WRITE ME BACK SO THAT WE CAN KNOW MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER,AND ALSO EXCHANGE PICTURES, DISTANCE COLOUR DOES NOT MATTER WHAT MATTERS A LOT IS LOVE IN LIFE, BEST REGARDS FROM MISS kadiga,
HOPING TO READ FROM YOU SOON,
[The color (race) thing comes up quite a bit. No problem for this swarthy liberal.]
Hope you are doing well.
My name is marry [now that’s convenient], In search of a man who understand the real meaning of love as trust and faith in each other rather than one who sees love as the only way of fun, but a matured Man with nice vision of what the world is all about [Now that’s Me], and after reading your profile here http://www.nancy-kwan.com/comments.4.html I took Interest in you, so pleas reply me with this Email I will be very happy to read your reply so that i will send my picture to you then we can start know more about each other.
Nice To Meet You,
My name is Miss Favour guei [I rather like that name], As I whisper my prayer tonight and went into search for a nice friend and I came across your contact [Is this the way God gets even with atheists?], My mind and my heart told me to contact you for friendship, A friend who truly understand his or her friend and share their feelings together. please kindly accept my request, I believe that distance or age [Hmmmmm, first I have seen that] can never be a barrier but let’s love connect us because love is a bridge that connected far distance to be close to each other, I will send my pictures to you immediately i receive your reply at my email address
yours In Love,
My name is Marina, i am female hopefully that this mail will find you in a perfect state of mind and good condition of health [That’s a lot to hope for]. how are you today i hope that every things is ok with you as it is my pleasure to contact you after viewring your profile and see your personal definitions [You weren’t that TSA girl operating that body scanner, were you?]which i personally find interest on it. I decided to have communication with you if you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what will happened in future [How did you know about my interest in time travel?]. i will be very happy if you can write me back for easiest communication and to know all about each other, So that i can send you my PIC. i will be waiting to hear from you as i wish you all the best for your day.
Thanks take care, Yours Truly Love.Marina
I am very happy to meet you,
compliments of the day!
My name is Miss Ruthid, I’m looking for a person of trust and confidence, and I know this email will find you in good health and also surprise but God has his own way of bringing people together [See, He’s at it again!]. I was moved to write to you and also seek his advice that I know it helps me overcome my present situation, I’m currently single and looking for a reliable and God fearing person. My dear, In your free time, which can please write me back so I can explain more about me, my data, my photos and my purpose of writing to you. Please do not overlook a humble heart and solitary quest for love. A good friendship is the foundation to build on other things in the future. May God bless you impatiently waiting to read from you. [I think you might be looking for an ex-priest.]
I came here to look for my second half, my soul mate, my friend. It is interesting to tell about myself to you, as I haven’t seen you ever before. But I feel something inside. I feel like a little sign of hope that I am not doing this in vain. I feel that you have the friendly soul to mine. What I want to find is Love. Yes, Love from the big letter. Love demands everything – to present yourself, your soul to the other person. I want to do this. I want to learn you better. If you want the same, I will be very glad. I want to meet you and spend life with house together. I want to comfort your heart with tenderness and care. Maybe our souls belong each other. If you want to find that you, please write me here
Hugs. [This is really kinda sweet, and I really like that you left the God stuff out of it.]
LINDA.EDWIN [Edwin better be a surname.]
I will be waiting to read from you soones
My name is miss divine [Sure, and I am Jimmy Valentine], I am a single girl looking for someone who can shear good relationship [Done that] with me who understand love as trust and caring not taking it as ways of fun always but a matured person with good sense of hornour [Done that, too] after reading little about you i derive my interest on you, please write me on this address i will be waiting for your reply so i tell you more about me and send my pictures to you. i got your contact after my prayers so i believe the direction of God [Figured as much].
sending kisses with love,
I wish i could get to know you for it is my pleasure to have you as my friend
for a friend is all about Respect, Admiration and Passion also friendship is consist of sharing of ideas and showing true love without cheats, lies and betray [Hey, nobody’s perfect] and i have this my feelings to share with you, so can we be good friends ? i am miss prinsca by name. waiting to hear from you i will send you my picture please reach me at [Redacted] thanks for welcome my adress
how are you today, I hope that every things is ok with you as is my pleasure to contact you after viewing your contact through Google search [Do not type “stud” with washboard abs in the search window!] which really interest me in having communication with you if you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other,
Hello with love,
Good morning or whatever the weather may be, my name is Miss Juliet I’m tall and nice looking girl, i saw your profile today decided to drop you some words just to say hello and how was today, i will like to known more about you, and also i will like to tell you about me, please i will be very happy if you can reply me so that we can go further to known [this is sounding like the Biblical sense to me] each other.
thanks I’m waiting for your reply,
I close with Juiliet’s email because she is the only girl to send me her photo (along with a photo of red roses). She is indeed a lovely African girl with a confident smile. Confident, I suppose, of finding her Romeo who, alas, will not be me. To her, and her sisters, thanks for some memories, and some fantasies as well.
© 2010, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 11.21.2010)