You, yes you, you are hereby approved for the new CHINA WAR FINANCING QISA GOLD CARD. Yes, like the U.S.A., you can finance your own foreign wars without having to pay anything up front. You, like Bush and Cheney, can feel your inner financial QI, the financial spirit within, and the money to pay others to fight for you. You won’t want to finance a foreign war without getting China to finance it for you. Why wait when you can have your war now. Nuke those nuclear reactors in Iran, turn Yemmen into Yemmenade, lay some serious hurt on Syria, and pay for it later.
Why the CHINA WAR FINANCING QISA GOLD CARD? Well, there is no annual fee for your first war. That’s right, you can be up and running and have as many as 5000 KIA and over 20,000 wounded and/or maimed for life before you have to worry about paying your first annual fee. And that’s not all . . .
No Credit Limit
Need more credit, for a little “surge” here and here? No sweat. Your Chinese-backed QISA Gold card is backed by a country with a 10 percent growth rate that just won’t quit. No worry; they got the moo-la, baby, they are rolling in cash over there. That’s because we have been smart enough to ship a whole bunch of our industry over there so they can start acting like good capitalists and not like those nasty ole communists. It all works out rather well; they send all of their young people to factories to make crap for the shelves at Wal Mart, and we have plenty of unemployed young people to go off and kill terrorists. That right, the QISA Gold card makes just as much sense for geopolitics as it make for finance. And how about this . . .
No Monthly Minimum Payment
Never mind those pesky monthly payments. The QISA Gold card doesn’t have any. The Chinese are an ancient people, and that makes them a very patient people. So they are willing to wait a long time, even past your children’s generation to your grandchildren’s generation before they come around collecting. Meanwhile, they don’t mind owning us.
So that means No Late Fees
That’s right, no late fees, because we realize that if you need this card it is already too late for you. Run up the costs for those Humvees, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and especially for those fun Predators, and leave the worry of paying them off to some future date. And best, leave the costs of those billions that go to Blackwater and Haliburton and KBR and your other favorite war profiteers off the books. That’s right, the eight billion per month you need to finance a couple of good wars in the Middle East need not show up on your normal $600+billion for Department of Defense.
Pay When You Can
When it comes time to start paying on your QISA Gold card you will probably be long gone, so your balance will automatically be passed on to your progeny. Sure, your progeny might complain a little when they get not only the bill for your charges (after all, that 18.5% APR that has been cranking up the bottom line for a couple of decades) but they are going to be pretty darn grateful because they are not going to have to speak Arabic and bow down to Mecca five time a day. Paying off, or trying to pay off, your balance they will happily do without jobs, education, home ownership and healthcare because they will be free people without jobs, education, home ownership and healthcare, and you, with your QISA Gold card, will have had the foresight to invest in their free future.
Compare Patented QISA Gold Service with BlasterCard and Destroyer Card
Every dollar charged to your QISA Gold card earns one frequent flier mile for your Predator drone and qualifies for upgrades to Stealth or B1 Bomber class.
Your QISA Gold card earns “QISA Reward Points” at all hotels in wars zones and double points in any Green Zone, and now includes the new “Predator Ooops” program that replaces the full value of shrapnel-damaged luggage should your hotel be mistakenly targeted.
Hurtz Rent-a-Humvee special rates come with your QISA Gold and that includes our “Free Roadside IED Damage Assistance Service.” [Body parts retrieval and shipping is available at modest charge.]
If your QISA Gold card is lost, stolen or blown up it can be replaced within 24 hours. Should it cardnapped by a terrorist QISA Gold has the patented “Terrorist Deactivator” feature. Just call 800-BIN-LADN, and it that sends a signal to your card that explodes it with the force of hand grenade and goodbye terrorist cardnapper. [QISA is not responsible for compensatory claims if you mistakenly call this number while you are still holding the card.]
Apply for your QISA Gold card today and start a war of your very own.
You can trust the people behind the CHINA WAR FINANCING QISA GOLD CARD—they know that your children will feel they owe you a great debt. Use your QISA Gold card toSwipe away those terrorists, and Swipe for Freedom.
© 2010, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 6.15.2010)