Laura Boosh considers it “a very, very shocking issue.” In a frenzy of RCD (romantic civil disobedience), gay and lesbian couples are flocking to San Francisco to get hitched. To see the reaction of Laura and various sects of the American Taliban one would think that these were the acts of suicide bombers intent on bringing down the edifice of American matrimony. It is “nuptial terrorism” against the American family. Mrs. Boosh avers that “choices” for this sort of thing should not be made by the Massachusetts legislature and the mayor of San Francisco. Holding to typical American Taliban logic, “choice” means gays and lesbians should not get a choice. This time Mrs. Boosh is “pro-choice,” Taliban choice.
There are laws against this sort of terrorism. California has one, and a whole bunch of other states don’t countenance queer nuptials. There’s also the Defense of Marriage Act, presumably to keep gays and lesbians from stealing the SUVs of soccer mom’s, and jamming the cable signals of the programs of NASCAR dads, and, of course, abducting their children and making the watch cartoon versions of “Queer Eye for a Straight Guy” on Saturday mornings until they become little “fags and lesbos.” But that might not be a high enough wall against HMDs (Homos of Matrimonial Destruction), so a bunch of righteous organizations pushing for a constitutional amendment to keep gays and lesbians from destroying American marriages and families.
She’s raising campaign money for her husband, so Mrs. Boosh is coming up shy of saying that these HMDs should be rounded up and shipped off to Guantanamo. No, she’s saying it should be “debated.” That debate will likely take place in the courts, where HMDs will be shown to be the true threat they are to the magnificent American family.
American Taliban lawyers will prove how gay marriages have caused the over 50 percent heterosexual marriage divorce rates. They will demonstrate how gay marriages will exacerbate the already shameful rates of child abuse and spousal abuse in heterosexual families? They will document convincingly that gay and lesbian marriages force heterosexuals to commit adultery and go way beyond the missionary position. All these years we have been wondering why the American family has been falling apart, and the answer has been hidden away so well even Hans Blix couldn’t find it. The “imminent threat” to the American family will finally be “outed.”
Proving their case in court, the American Taliban will not have to admit that their war on HMDs is really about symbolism, illusion, hypocrisy and bigotry. They can continue to conflate heterosexual marriage with the symbols of the flag, fundamentalist Christianity, and “family values.” They will be able to continue the illusion that the American family is fine if you restrict its “choices” to heterosexual, Christian, and fecundity. It will enshrine in law the hypocrisy that gays and lesbians do not deserve the same rights as other Americans. And, of course, their homophobic bigotry will have been transformed into a bright new form of patriotism.
Is this a great country? Or What?
©2004, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 2.19.2004)