Have the religious zealots who are trying to sneak Creationism into school curricula in the guise of “Intelligent Design” really thought the premise of their argument through? You know the premise: that nature is so complex that it could only have been the result of an “intelligent designer” (are you thinking God yet? OK, but just think it, don’t say it).
Well, taking the proponents of this argument at their word, Dragon City Journal (DCJ) arranged a little Q & A with—GUESS WHO?— the Intelligent Designer himself. Sorry feminists, but the ID is a guy (we think, we didn’t check).
So, we phoned him up:
DCJ: Hello, ID, thank you for taking the time to answer some of our questions.
ID: Time. I got all the time I want. More than you, you can bet.
DCJ: (Hmmm, he’s got some attitude) Well, let’s get right to it then. So, ID, looks like you are going to be in all the textbooks in Kansas.
ID: Well, it beats being in those night stand drawers in cheap hotels. What the hell were those Gideons thinking anyway. How would they like their story to be stuck in drawers with snotty tissues and condom wrappers.
DCJ: Ya got us there. Look, let’s jump right in here with some things that have been on our minds for some time.
ID: Go for it, you can’t be any dumber than those Kansas City school kids.
DCJ: Flies. Why did you have to go and design flies? You could just let poop dry up and blow away. No, you had to go and make poop-eating insects that land on our picnic lunches. We think that’s stupid, bad design, bad for health, good for flies, we suppose. By the way, how many lenses do your have on your eyes?
ID: I don’t do picnics. So why should I care. But while we’re on the subject of picnics, how do you like the ants?
DCJ: You need to talk with your writers if you’re going to do comedy. Pressing on: so what’s the big deal with cholesterol? Why didn’t you just leave it out? No, we have to worry about it, try to reach our numbers, and then you don’t make it fair—some people get to eat KFC and their high density lipoproteins go down (or is that up? damn, we still don’t know), the rest of us have to ask to be seated in the non-cholesterol section of a restaurant and have a salad with Lipitor croutons. You screwed up again, ID.
ID: So sue me; does having at load of stock in pharmaceuticals make me a bad guy? I’m trying to catch up with Gates. And remember it was Bush that came up with that sneaky drug program for seniors, not me. I might have designed this universe, but I’m not driving it.
DCJ: Did you have to design a people with half and brain and half an ass. Yes, I’m talking about Americans. A majority of them still do not accept evolution as good science (they would say “believe” in evolution, which they call “Darwinism” to give it a sinister taint). I guess then, they wouldn’t accept the idea of evolution as the method of “intelligent design,” would they?
ID: Hey, people don’t use more than a fraction of their brains anyway. But you missed the picture about Americans: they have no brains at all. I don’t do politics, but have you looked at your political leadership lately? Your problem isn’t evolution; it’s de volution!
DCJ: OK, now we have to ask you the biggie. The people who are proposing that you have a place in school science curricula keep going on about how the wonderful design of the universe means there must be an “intelligent designer”. So, if it’s so wonderful, why did you design us to die?
ID: I’m surprised that you missed this one. Quite simple, actually— everybody’s afraid of dying and where they are going after they die, right? If they’re afraid they need religion, if they need religion they need, guess who?
DCJ: Falwell?
ID: No, you idiot. No death means no fear, and I’m out of a job . Do I need to connect the dots for you?
DCJ: OK, OK, ease up; we’re just journalists here. So, we read somewhere that some 98 percent of the species that ever lived are now extinct. EXTINCT! Now if you’re such and “intelligent designer” how come there have been so many what could be called “failed” species?
ID: Goin’ for the old gonads this time, are you? [1] Simple. Sometimes you design something and you don’t like how it came out; so you dump it. What’s wrong with that?
DCJ: Just this: the you you are talking about is you , not us fallible humans. You should be able to get it right the first time. Why waste all this time getting to the 2 percent that you want to keep? OK, I’m gonna have to say it. Have you been messing around with the “E” word? C’mon, out with it. You made Charlie Darwin so he could give us a clue as to how you operate your little engineering experiments with us. That finch business in the Galapagos was your idea, right? You like random selection, don’tcha; watching those little different versions scurry around to see if they can fit in and survive on for a few more generations. And then if things get a little boring you toss in some major environmental change, a meteor or something, or a virus, and suddenly, “game over” and you shove another quarter in and the fun starts over.
ID: Hey, what are you doing, interviewing yourself? Was that a question or you campaigning for my job? Anyway, You said the “E” word, not me. So I change things around a little. You sit around per saecula saeculorum , as your churchy types like to say, and see if you don’t get a little bored. Speaking of which, this interview is keeping me from watching my favorite reality television show, Survivor . Now ya starting to get it? I’m outta here. Wait a sec, how can I be outta here when I’m everywhere. You ‘re outta here!
DCJ: Thanks ID.
Check into Dragon City Journal for Part II of our interview with the Intelligent Designer, when correspondent Ba Feng Gu asks the ID “why flatulence?” And send in your questions to DCJ to be put to the ID. [2]
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©2006, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 9.9.2006)
[1] Feminists, did you catch that? Frankly, we think we would like the ID much better if he were a woman.
[2] Do not send your questions to [email protected] or you will start receiving emails that offer you fake Viagra if you contribute to the Republican National Campaign fund.