Essays & Images on Cities, Travel and Contemporary Culture. A web journal of James A. Clapp, Ph.D., an UrbisMedia Ltd. Production

Vol.21.8: YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

V021-08_DCJ-mailboxWFrom:   3personsin1God@HOL . Com

To:   Dragon City Journal




Or Dragon, or whatever you are calling yourself these days. That “Pair-of-Cleats” stuff wasn’t funny back in 1957, and it still isn’t funny.   So I don’t appreciate your blabbing it all over the Internet.


Remember, you’re older now, and it might not be too long before I get my hands (OK, my wings) on your sorry wise-guy ass, total up your “grace” points and SEND YOU DOWN where you belong.


The Holy Ghost

(aka The Paraclete, and get the spelling right )



[Transcribed from a message on my answering machine]


Actung, Editor of Dragon Stadt Journal,


It hass come to my attenzion via my vormer colleagues at Ze Congregation for ze Doctrine of der Faith zat you haff referred to me as “Ze Rat” in one of your essays.   Now you are attacking ze dogma of Holy Mutter Church ass vell.  


I vant you to know zat you are not dealing viss my Polish predecessor.   No vay, Jose.   Ziss is ze new reic . . . Pontificate.   Ve haff vays of dealing vis people like you und people who keep bringing up zat business about when I was in the Nazi Youth.


By ze vay, your teacher, Sister Ignatius was incorrect.   I am writing a Papal encyclical announcing   zat heaven iss not zimply a place vere one looks in ze face of Gott.   Nein, heaven vill be like a big hofbrauhaus in ze sky, mit beermaids mit big bosoms, und Mother Theresa iss zinging “Pennies from Heaven” mit ze oompah band, und . . . und . . . ya . . . iss zompzing like zat.   John-Paul vill be there, too.   He’s bringing ze sausages.


I am your Fuhr . . . Pope , vedder you like it or not.   Deal mit it!


Benedict XVI




To:   Dragon City Journal


Master James,


I just knew in the First Grade that you would come to no good.   I will have you know that I am in heaven now, ever since I keeled over at age 104 while polishing Monsignor Dolan’s’s Cadillac.


In your Dragon City Journal –- Don’t you know that dragons are the devil’s hound dogs?—you make fun of when I told you that heaven was looking into the face of God for eternity.   Well, I will have you know James that I am in heaven now, and what I said was true!   I didn’t know back then that it would be a picture of God, or that God looks a lot like that Donald Trump person.   I guess that God has some work to do and can’t just sit still and be looked at.


But I love to look at that picture of him.   I often ask the picture questions, but it just responds to “Be happy and increase production.”   And every few minutes its announces   “Josephson, Josephson, table of 12; Josephson, your table is ready.”    


I guess the Lord still must speak in mysterious ways.   I wanted to ask Monsignor Dolan if he knows what it means but it seems he didn’t make it to heaven.   I asked where he might be and they just say something about that business with the altar boys.   I guess he went to the other place, and that’s where you are going to end up, you naughty boy, James.   And you were so cute, in an Asian sort of way.


You get yourself to confession, right now!


Sister Ignatius

Sisters of St. Joseph


P.S. I haven’t seen Jesus yet, but somebody said he went back down to be in a movie for a Mel Gibson.




To:   Dragon City Journal


Hey Jim,


Just finished reading your Metaphysical Musings.   Cool stuff.   We think you’re just the sort of guy who might like to hook up with us.   We don’t buy any of the heaven stuff either.   But we do think that there are “friends” out there in the universe who want us to join them.   And I’ve calculated that they will be coming by to pick us up on the 4 th of July from the rooftop of the Sycuan Casino.   They’ll be using all the fireworks for cover, so that other people won’t be able to see their flying saucer.


Anyway, we’d like you to join us on this adventure.   We won’t need any money where we’re going, so bring all yours and we’ll blow it in the casino before leaving.   Oh, and our friends from space just want to be using our bodies, so we will have to be dead when they arrive.   Don’t worry, I’m bringing the Kool Aid and cyanide.


See ya there,


Rex Klaatu

Software Engineer



From:   [Email Address Witheld]

To:   Dragon City Journal


Dear James:


I get great pleasure from reading your essays.


As a devout born again atheist I know that at death the game is over.   We have no pre-birth experiences and we will have no after life experiences.


Heaven and hell only exist in the imagination of those who believe in these religious superstitions. As Karl Marx may have remarked, religion is opiate for the masses.


Questions for DBAA’s are not about an afterlife, but – Was there a creator?   If yes – Who created the creator? and – Why did it screw up the earthly part of its creation so badly?   Answers to these questions may lead to the conclusion that there was no creator, or if there was the sorcerer’s apprentice, Mickey Mouse, got into the laboratory.


It’s just that shit happens, which has resulted in hell on earth for about 80 percent of all mankind.   SH includes, abject poverty, disease, starvation, enslavement, torture, and fear from political, military and religious dictatorships.


In the mean time, while waiting for the inevitable end, have fun, get along with your fellow man, do no harm, and try to make life a little better.


As the old priest said to the young girl, “We believe   in the hereafter – and you know what I am here after”.


Keep up the good work.      




[Name withheld to protect the writer, who lives in a Red State]




To:   Dragon City Journal

Re:   Muslim Heaven


Ah-lan Wa sah lan, Mr. James,


If you know what’s good for you, you had better knock it off with that business about the 72 virgins.   You are hurting my suicide bomber recruitment campaign.


You might think that you are safe over there in San Diego, but remember that some of my “pilots” were lounging around your city for months eating fish tacos right under the noses of your FBI and they blew it.


And if you don’t knock off the 72 virgin jokes, blow it is what’s gonna happen to your condo.   That Fed Ex delivery man might just be named Mohammed.


Ma ‘as-sa-leh-ma,






Hey Osama,


Woooooo, Ooooooo, I’m shakin in my boots, man.   You want a piece of my action, man?   I’m right here, man, right in front of ya.   C’mon outa you’re hole, man.   Bring it on, Trash Bin.   Mano a mano, eh, man.   You and me.   Let’s do it.   When I’m finished with you, man, it won’t matter if you have 772 virgins, you won’t have the ‘nads to give one of ‘em a giggle.


I got your al Qaeda, right here , man.


Yours rudely,



Black Belt, Karate

National Champion, Muay Thai

Sensei, Moo Goo Gai Pan


Bcc:   Homeland Security

          FBI (and get it right this time, you turkeys!)


          Rubio’s Fish Tacos




To:   DCJ




You were right about that “good Pole dancer” interpretation.


Heaven, I’m in heaven

and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

And I seem to find the happiness I seek

When we’re out together dancing cheek to cheek

Gotta go,


“Twinkle-Toes” Wojtyla

©2005, James A. Clapp (UrbisMedia Ltd. Pub. 6.28.2005)