10.4.2015
MEMO TO NOBEL PEACE PRIZE COMMITTEE
Date: 2 October 2015
To: Committee
From: DCJ
We were recently reminded that, in your aquavit-addled wisdom, you once awarded your Nobel Peace Prize to Henry Kissinger, one of the architects of the carpet bombing of Cambodia in 1968 that resulted in countless civilian deaths and the emergence of the Khmer Rouge, after which he doubled-down with his war crimes in Chile in 1973. However, our current purpose in writing is not to inquire precisely how much criminal mass murder is required to receive your prize. Rather, it is to bring to your attention that it has come to our attention that a circumstance has occurred in which one of your “peace prize” recipients is implicated in the murder of another of your recipients.
Yes, Mr. Barack Obama, who might have been just as mystified as the rest of us as to the reason he received your prize in 2009 (perhaps because he can walk and chew gum at he same time?), is the “commander-in-chief” of the American war planes that just bombed a Medicins San Frointiéres (1999 appropriate recipient) hospital in Kunduz Afghanistan in which twelve staff members and at least ten patients, including three children, were killed; thirty-seven people were injured including nineteen staff members. We join your Committee in saying, “Way to go Barack, you finally found a way to “justify” your Kissin … ahem…Nobel Peace Prize.”
We await with fevered anticipation the announcement of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize recipient. Our staff pool is currently tied between Kim Davis and Donald Trump, although Kim Jong Un and Bibi Netanyahu are close behind.